Last 20 excuses used to call in sick

1. i got caught up watching a squirrel hump a pine cone

2. my alphabits told me to stay home

3. spent too much time not believing it wasn't butter

4. i couldn't finish my blood sausage and had to take a 4 hour penalty

5. someone hacked my blackberry

6. while shopping for a new sweatband with my brother, i was savagely beaten by a sweaty band of brothers

7. debilitating crotch-bat incident

8. i choked on a pretzel

9. drafted by the cubscouts

10. Red Shirting for the Phoenix Coyotes this season

11. hot dog eating contest

12. a crazed chimp bit my foot off

13. National Hacky Sack Finals

14. my coffee maker crashed

15. the meth lab in my basement was raided... fuckin cops...

16. my bus pass melted in my mouth and not in my hand

17. Added dates to my European Tour (where i'm huge, btw)

18. paper cut

19. flip flop blow-out

20. i bursted with fruit flavor